


going upstairs.

by Irrwisch



Series: love. [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/M, Falling In Love, Ferelden, First Kiss, Kinloch Hold, Love, Mages (Dragon Age), Mages and Templars, Teasing, Templars (Dragon Age)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-12
Updated: 2015-12-12
Packaged: 2018-05-06 08:10:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5409497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irrwisch/pseuds/Irrwisch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love, Cullen learned, was something you had no control over. When it happened, it simply happened.<br/>Sometimes he really wished he had some control over it.</p><p>Cullen hadn't planned to fall in love. Amell had different plans. And Cullen rather liked it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	going upstairs.

Love, Cullen learned, was something you had no control over. When it happened, it simply happened. Sometimes he really wished he had _some_ control over it.

At days, his life would be way easier if he would simply fall in love with some farm girl.

|

*

|

He barely turned eighteen, barely had his Vigil behind him. He was kind of proud of himself he didn’t fall asleep during that time. Cullen hadn’t told Mia how many times he almost dozed off.

He was a Templar now.

And as such, he was transferred to Kinloch Hold. The Fereldan Circle Tower was in the middle of Lake Calenhad. Of course it was. Maybe he had somehow forgotten to mention he was seasick. Well, he would endure. It wouldn’t be _that_ long of a ride, right? He was a Templar now. He would not waver because of some stupid nausea!

 

Well... at least this had been his resolve. Knight-Commander Greagoir and First Enchanter Irving saw through him in a heartbeat. That promised to be the best start ever. At least they laughed about it. Cullen hoped it wouldn’t follow him.

Sadly, it did. Carroll would never stop teasing him about it. His brother meant no harm. That was Cullen’s hope, anyway. It took him months to admit he _really_ was seasick. And after that, Carroll didn’t tease him as often anymore.

Both Irving and Greagoir were kind men. They argued quite a lot every possible opportunity, but they seemed to respect each other greatly. Cullen liked serving under them. He wrote many letters back home, before Mia would take her turn writing first, and possibly embarrass him.

After two weeks, he met Amell.

|

Amell had been in the Circle ever since she was a little child; and when asked about it, she couldn’t remember anything from her childhood. Family, friends, siblings, home... after a while, Cullen figured it was like this for almost every mage. And maybe it was best that way. Amell was curious about the outside world, but not overly interested.

Not every mage was like that. Some would want to know everything the Templars could tell them, like Anders. Cullen had been informed that that mage had run away six times already. That number was kind of impressive, but now he was here... meaning he had been caught six times. When that topic came up, Anders would make a joke about the Templar coming to fetch him. One of Cullen’s sisters would just _mildly_ blush at that. Cullen decided that Anders was a nice fellow, but he would rather keep his distance. One of the most talented Spirit Healers in the Circle, though.

Cullen liked it here.

He liked Anders’ jokes; he even enjoyed Carroll’s teasing. He liked Wynne’s lessons about life and the never-ending arguments between Greagoir and Irving.

Cullen liked Amell’s smile most of all.

Becoming a Templar had been the right choice.

|

Over the next months, he became closer to Amell. She enjoyed his stories about his siblings, and he enjoyed hearing her talk about... well, everything. Most of the time, she would talk about magic, and he didn’t really understand that. He could dispel things, and more than that he didn’t need to know of magic.

Amell would spend a lot of time with him, despite her lessons. He had to admit, he liked that. Occasionally, her friend Jowan would come around the corner, looking for her. Cullen realised he was falling in love with her. He knew he shouldn’t. He didn’t care.

|

“Rumours say you have it bad.”

Startled by that, Cullen looked up. He was in a room alongside Anders. He was brewing some new potions and Cullen was stationed to watch over the progress. That wasn’t too bad. Carroll, the poor fool, was stationed to endure Uldred. No Templar in the Circle was overly fond _over_ that post. So, Anders was nice. And Cullen had to admit, he _might_ have been in thought.

“Are they still talking about that? Yes, I am seasick! Can we get over that already?!”

Anders turned around, puzzled. “What? What in the Void are you babbling about? Nobody’s talking about _that_ , anymore; it got boring. No, my friend, I am talking _Amell._ You like her, don’t you?”

Cullen blushed on cue, and Anders laughed. “W-w-w-who said that?!”

Anders sat back in his chair and looked up to Cullen, who was standing closer to the door, much like a statue. “Don’t you Templars ever gossip, buddy? _Everyone’s_ been talking about that for Maker knows how long. Well, expect Amell, I suppose.” Anders shrugged his shoulders. Then he looked to Cullen again and grinned. His young Templar friend was red like a tomato. “Looks like I’m right, huh? C’mon man, just act on it. We are in the bloody Circle, remember? _Nothing_ ever lasts here. There’s a reason we are all wearing skirts instead of pants. You can’t tell me you’ve been able to be here almost a year and you _never_ stumbled on some... action?”

Anders didn’t think Cullen was able to turn even redder, yet here he was. “You _did_ see some action! Who was it? Didn’t stumble on me, did you? That would be kind of embarrassing. Oh, tell me you fainted. By the way, say... you’re not a virgin, are you? You know how that works, yes?”

“ _Brew your bloody potion already, man!!_ ”

 

Later in the library – Anders took his bloody time; Cullen was very sure it was just to tease him even more – he met Amell. He wanted to talk to her; ask her how her day went so far but as soon as she saw him, she smiled and he fled; blushing awkwardly. Anders had a fit.

|

A week later, Greagoir approached him. His knight-commander looked rather grim and Cullen feared this was about Amell. Greagoir noticed his feelings towards the mage and was about to do something about it.

He was wrong, though. It was indeed about Amell, yes, but in a different way. She had been an apprentice long enough now; and it was time to put her through her Harrowing. Greagoir wanted Cullen to make the Killing Blow if things went amiss. It was his duty to do so. He was a Templar; and he had to make sure no abomination would ever come to be. But striking down Amell... he could refuse the duty. Cullen simply had no idea what would happen and... He didn’t want to be thrown out of the Order. So he accepted.

Her Harrowing would be in about four days. And, of course, she wasn’t allowed to know. Nobody was. This meant he should possibly stay away from Amell now; but Cullen did the opposite. He might never see her again after that. He wanted to remember her smile, to burn it into his soul.

|

Word came from Ostagar that the King was gathering his army alongside the Grey Wardens. Greagoir and Irving were preparing mages and Templars who were meant to join the battle. Somehow, Cullen wanted to go, too. It would either mean Amell’s Harrowing would be postponed, or he wouldn’t have to be there. He wasn’t so lucky, though.

Uldred, Wynne and a few others would join the forces in the Korcari Wilds. In their evening prayers, they already prayed for their save return. And Cullen prayed Uldred may fall down into a ditch somewhere. It was cruel; and he liked it.

Anders had been begging to go to Ostagar – rather to run away than to actually do any fighting – but Irving denied him. The First Enchanter trusted Anders; but Irving wasn’t stupid enough to let Anders go outside. The mage was pouting – _adorable,_ as Amell had called it – and seemed to accept his fate. At the end of the day, he hugged Cullen. And he was quite sure Anders was going to join the mages anyway. And then leave them mid-way. It didn’t really matter; Anders would be caught again. The mage was terrible at hide-and-seek.

|

“I’m a bit terrified, you know?”

Irritated, Cullen looked at her. He had been stationed at the library and Amell came in a while ago, settling there with a book. They had remained that way for at least half an hour. “What do you mean?” He asked puzzled. She didn’t look up from her book: “My Harrowing will be soon, won’t it? I’ve been an apprentice so long now; I’m sure they have it on schedule already. Do you happen to know anything about it?” Cullen swallowed. “I... uh, we’re not supposed to...” Amell sighed: “So they have. I wonder what will happen. The others spin so many tales. Getting eaten by demons. Fighting a horde. Or simply not setting the Templars on fire.” He chuckled, but Amell remained serious. “Will you be there? Can I make a request that you’ll be there? You know... watching? Although I doubt a Harrowing is very interesting. I’d be less nervous if you were there.”

Cullen looked at her. She was hunched over her books, gripping the pages. He never imagined that Amell would be afraid. “Don’t worry. I’ll... I’ll be there, I promise. And you can do this, Amell. I know you can.” She looked at him and smiled hesitantly. “If you believe in me so...”

He took a step forward and grabbed her hand. “Yes”, he simply said. “I will always believe in you. You have my word.” Her smile turned brighter now. “Thank you, Cullen. I guess that helps.”

Maker, he wanted to kiss her.

|

He had been so terrified. He’d only attended one other Harrowing before; and it had taken hours without end. The knight-commander had ordered the mage’s death. Sometimes, Cullen still thought about that boy. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what they endured. So when Amell lay there on the hard ground, his hands had been sweating. Amell didn’t spasm once. The boy from before had never stopped. So that was a good sign, yes?

His heartbeat inside his ears was driving him mad. What should he do when Greagoir ordered her death? It was his duty. It was his duty to strike down any dangerous mage. But could he do it? Strike down the very girl he wanted to kiss? He just hoped he wouldn’t collapse. Carroll was here. He would never hear the end of it.

Cullen pulled himself together; almost braced himself for the order to kill – and then Amell woke up with a start. She jumped up and stumbled through the room. Irving went to her side and steadied her. Focusing on Irving; she slowly calmed down. “Congratulations to you, child. You passed your Harrowing. You are a mage now.” Amell didn’t respond and looked to Cullen. He smiled hesitantly; and she smiled back. Maker, he was happy.

|

He knew he shouldn’t have. But Cullen simply _had_ to tell some other apprentices how smooth Amell’s harrowing had been. How could he keep that to himself?! It wasn’t like he gave away any information what exactly a Harrowing entailed... although Amell’s friend Jowan tried to press it out of him. Cullen had overheard Irving and Greagoir talking. There was the rumour of Jowan being a Blood Mage. They wanted to make him Tranquil, but Cullen wasn’t quite sure about it. Jowan being a Blood Mage? Jowan _still_ burned his fingertips trying to do a fire-spell.

Cullen sighed and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. Standing guard in the Senior Mage Quarters was not really exciting. At least Uldred wasn’t here. That man would always bicker about Maker-knows-what. Some dusty corner or whatever. And not even Anders was around to keep him company – or embarrass him. Cullen had to admit, he kind of missed that mage. He was a terrible tease, but still...

“Are you daydreaming, Cullen?”

He jolted and stared at Amell. “S-sweet Maker, how long have you been there?!”

She just smiled and he coughed, catching his aptitude: “Um, h-hello. I... uh, am glad to see your Harrowing went smoothly.”

“Why are you stuttering?”

“What? I-I’m fine.”

Amell, that little bastard, just smiled sheepishly. “Would you really have struck me down?”

He gulped. He’d been asking that himself. “I would’ve felt terrible about it... but... but I serve the Chantry and the Maker, and I will do as I am commanded.” It was such a terrible thing to say. If she would have turned into an Abomination... she would have been dead then, wouldn’t she?

Her smile wavered. And it was his fault. Maker, did he feel bad. “I shouldn’t distract you from your duties.”

“Oh, you’re not distracting. I mean, you are, but... well, you’re not. I mean, you can talk to me anytime if you want.” She smiled again and his heartbeat paced up. “Uh... uh, yes. Maybe we can talk another time.” Maker, was his face flushed? Amell’s smile said yes, as she turned away. Cullen watched her go, as he tried to calm his heart and ease his blush.

She passed her Harrowing. And she was still alive.

Today was a good day.

|

“I can’t believe you actually agreed _to help_ Jowan!”

It had been such a fuss. Jowan had tried getting into the basement to destroy his phylactery. And Amell even helped him! “At least you told the First Enchanter about it.” Amell scoffed at him. “He’s my _friend_ , Cullen. He didn’t want to become tranquil! I had no idea he was _really_ using Blood Magic... poor Jowan.”

Now Cullen felt bad. “He brought upon himself. You... you had nothing to do with it.” Amell sighed. “I know. But when the templars find him, they’ll surely kill him, won’t they? He’s not a bad person, and he still needs to die.” Cullen shrugged his shoulders. “He did manage to destroy his phylactery. Chances are they’ll never find him. Who knows?”

Amell smiled a little. “Yeah, maybe you’re right.”

They were sitting in the library, late at evening. It was way after supper and she should really be in her quarters, but Cullen assumed it would be fine. “Say, Cullen, do you always wear that heavy plate? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without... or any templar, for that matter.” He blushed. Did that mean she would like seeing him out of his armour? Like in... Naked? Now his thoughts got a head start. “Ah... um... I, ah... yes? Having it on, I mean. Yes.” He saw her poking the gauntlets. “Isn’t that terribly heavy all day? Get weaker templars lighter armour?” He laughed a little. “Templars have combat training, Amell. We’re not doing that naked.”

“That would be sight to see.”

Cullen was grateful for the dim light in the library. That woman would be the death of him, wouldn’t she? Just saying things like that as if she’s been talking about supper the other day! “Ah, yeah, well. Um, congratulations onto your new outfit, too. It’s very, um... yellow?”

Amell laughed. “Yes, isn’t it? It’s very yellow, indeed. I liked the other one better, but I’m not supposed to wear that any longer. Maybe I can persuade Irving to give me something other-coloured. Maybe something red.” She stopped looking at her outfit and almost caught him staring at her. “Do you think they’ll bring Anders back soon? With both of them gone... you’re really my only friend now, Cullen.” He looked at her again, but she was staring at her feet. “I’m certain. Anders was never really good at staying away. In fact, I believe one of my sisters already made off to chase him.” Hesitantly, he grabbed her hand. “And I’m very fine with being your friend.”

She squeezed his hand and smiled at him. “Thanks, Cullen. It’s nice to know not everyone is leaving.” She stood up and let go of his hand. “I’ll go back to my Quarters now. Would you mind accompany me? Or do you have duty with the apprentices?” He shook his head; Greagoir had given him a free night. He got up quickly and started walking her back. More than once he found himself looking down at her behind. Not that he would ever admit that.

Their walk back was surprisingly short. “Well, here we are. My brand-new quarters.” She turned to him. “Do you want to see?” He shouldn’t accept that. But he did. “I’d like that.”

She let him in and it was... bigger than he expected. “My quarters are just half that size. And I have to share with Carroll. He snores, did you know? He says I’m a sleep-talker, but I don’t believe him. Having so much space for yourself must be nice, no?” Amell sighed. “I don’t know. I’ve always shared quarters before. You know the hall downstairs – bunk beds and whatnot. It’s strange having a room to myself now.” He took her hand. “You deserve it, Amell. Facing your Harrowing...”

Looking up at him, she smiled and whispered: “Thank you, Cullen.”

It was a bad idea. It was probably the worst he ever had. But he couldn’t prevent it – not that he wanted to. In an instant, he pulled Amell closer to him, grabbed her face and kissed her.

He somehow fully expected her to pull away or something. Instead, she didn’t. On the contrary, she pressed closer to him; two teenagers way too over-eager. How much he wished he wouldn’t wear armour now, so he could feel her against himself. Cullen felt himself pulled towards somewhere and only realised it was a bed after they’ve fallen down. He didn’t care. All that mattered was Amell under him. She hummed into his mouth and her lips were so soft. He already loved kissing her.

“Cullen...” she whispered and he hushed her with a kiss. It was wrong. Forbidden, too. He could be thrown out of the Order for this. He didn’t care. He didn’t even care about what consequences it might have for Amell. Right this second, everything was beautiful.

Amell pushed against his shoulders – he almost didn’t notice it; plate armour and all – and he looked up; grumpy about not being able to keep kissing her. The sight was worth it, however. Her cheeks were red; her hair was sprawled around her and her lips looked so wonderfully kissed. “Amell, I...”

“Stay here.”

Cullen stopped. “What? Do... do you...” He was blushing, he could feel it. “Are you... I mean, are you... suggesting... _that_?” Amell trailed her fingers over his cheek. “Yes, I am. I want it; if you want it too. You know, darling templar, I’m not blind. And Anders _talks_. I pretend I don’t hear, but his voice carries, you know?” Cullen blushed. Anders _talked_?! About that? In front of _people_?! When his sister brought him back, Cullen would be very angry at him.

Amell pecked him on the lips. “You don’t have to, Cullen. I’d just... Sorry. I shouldn’t... forget this ever happened. I need to be able to look you in the eyes.” She tried to climb out from under him. Instinctively, he grabbed her. Amell looked at him and crooked her head a little. “Cullen?”

This wasn’t how he imagined this. And of course he had been thinking about this situation, he just thought it would never actually happen. But perhaps Anders was right – this was the Circle. Things here weren’t planned – they happened. He pressed down to kiss her again. He might regret that later – _they_ might regret this later. But now wasn’t later.

“Then magic lock the blighted door and help me out of that armour, darling mage.”

|

In the early morning, he all but _fled_ her quarters. He was very, very sure this had been a terrible idea, but... it had been nice. Wonderful. All these words. And he wanted to do it again. Maker’s Breath, she might even be willing. Cullen tried his best to suppress the blush that wanted to rise in his cheeks. He felt as though _everyone_ knew. It didn’t help when Carroll whispered next to him: “Where were you last night? You didn’t wake me up. Since when do you shut up during sleep?” Cullen tried _so hard_ not to blush like a tomato. “S-see? I told you I wasn’t talking in my sleep!” Carroll pulled a face. “Wait, _were_ you in bed last night?” Carroll stopped for a second. “Don’t tell me you actually got laid. With Amell?!” Cullen’s face fell. Maker’s Breath! “W-w-w-w-what in the Void are you _talking_ about?!” He basically squealed. And that was a dead giveaway, technically. Carroll grinned like a blighted, mad cat. Cullen decided right then he’d hate Carroll forever. “Shut it you two, knight-commander’s coming up!”

Greagoir arrived with hasty steps. “Listen up, recruits. Early this morning, word arrived from Ostagar. And it was not good.” The Templars frowned. They all had expected good news. The king stopped this Blight before it began and their mages returned safely; sharing stories at the Dinner table.

“Ostagar was lost, our king is dead and all the Grey Wardens perished. We do not yet know how many survived in total; and we have no way of telling how many of our mages will make it back here. There will be an extra prayer right after breakfast. Pray for their safe return; and pray we do not face a true Blight.”

 

It was very quiet at breakfast. Originally, Cullen had wanted to talk to Amell after breakfast – about last night – but right now he couldn’t. Usually, there was mildly chatter at the tables, today it was deafening silence. Afterwards, they all went on to their prayers. Cullen prayed for Anders, too. Anders hadn’t been at Ostagar, but Maker only knows what had happened to him. Briefly he wondered what had happened to Wynne, too. That old lady was very tough. And she was a very talented healer. Maybe Uldred wouldn’t be coming back? It was cruel to think that, but... well. The Maker had his ways, hadn’t he?

|

The first mages returned after a week. Uldred was one of them, and he almost immediately went into discussion with the other Senior Enchanters; about what had happened at Ostagar. Cullen hadn’t had time to talk to Amell. And trying to avoid Carroll was _hard_. They shared quarters, after all.

Cullen wanted to talk to Amell. Yet, he didn’t quite know how to approach her. How did you approach _anyone_ after that? He had no clue. Why his father couldn’t teach him _that_ but how to use a pitch-fork was beyond him. Wasn’t talking to girls more important than pitch-forks?! Every time their eyes met, Cullen transformed into one emotional mess. And he might also flee the room instantly. That didn’t progress his quest “talking to Amell” in any way.

One of these days, he _would_ be man enough. Preferably, when Carroll was dead.

 

Wynne and more mages arrived around five days after Uldred. She looked worn and tired. Cullen wondered just how terrible Ostagar must have been. However, she was determined to get to Irving as soon as possible. She said something terrible happened and it wasn’t like the rumours said. She all but ran to Greagoir. Cullen didn’t care. He had spoken to Amell earlier; and had asked her to meet him later, upstairs. They settled for a room on the third floor. His heart was all but racing. What would she say? Did she hate him now? He’d find out. And luckily, Carroll was on guard duty on the lowest floor.

|

It was late evening when they met. Dinner had already been served and most had gone to their quarters. Except some strugglers in dusty corners. Cullen tried not to blush at that. Amell was already waiting for him when he arrived.

“Ah... uhm. Amell?” Smooth, Rutherford, real smooth. The mage turned around and smiled. “Cullen. I was fearing you wouldn’t come; seeing as you evaded me ever since.” Maker, she was beautiful. He approached her like a good boy and started fumbling his hands. “Yes, well, you see uhm... that does... err...” He looked up, blushed and lost all the confidence he pretended he had gathered. Amell simply laughed. Ah, well. That was good too. She came closer to him and stroked his cheek. “It’s quite alright, little noodle-head. I’ve never done this before either. But I rather liked it.” Cullen blushed. It seemed to be his part-time job. “I... me too. Enjoyed it, that is. A-and, uh... _noodle-head_?” Amell laughed, louder this time. “Yes, darling templar. Did you ever _see_ your hair? It looks like noodles, it’s adorable!” She hugged him; and he held her close. “All right then. I’m the noodle-head. If you tell this to Carroll... or anyone... I’ll spank you.” Amell giggled. “Is that a promise, darling templar?” He chuckled, and blushed terribly. “I... guess so. It could be. If you like.” Amell snuggled closer – damn that plate – and smiled. “Yes, I want it to. Kiss me?” Cullen obeyed more than happily. In this moment, he felt like this could work.

He never wanted to let go. Amell didn’t want that, either. Everything was wonderful right now.

 

When the door came crushing down, they both jumped and thought they’d been found. Cullen would have preferred being found, really. “Abomination!” he shouted and drew his sword, while Amell threw a fireball. Cullen ran it through and was checking the hallway for more. Amell came to his side: “Are there more?” He shook his head. “No. But where did it come from? Was there a summoning?” Amell gripped his arm and clutched. “The only one upstairs are Irving and the others. Maker, what if something happened?” Cullen looked at her. “Listen, Amell. Greagoir should be downstairs. Go to him and tell him we’ve encountered an abomination and aren’t sure if they’re more.” She nodded. “And you go to Irving. I hope no other abominations came through before.” He shook his head. “I don’t think so. The others would have send someone up by now. Hurry now, darling mage, we’ll talk later. And, uh... I might spank you, if you like.” Amell laughed. “I’ll try to misbehave, so you feel justified, darling templar.” She rose to her feet and kissed his cheeks. “Go be a hero, noodle-head. I’ll be the damsel in distress.”

She turned around and headed towards the stairs. He did the same.

 

He should have told her.

He should have just told her.

In his prayers, he wished he had told her.

 

He loved her.

**Author's Note:**

> There are two more pieces to this work. Originally, they were supposed to be all in one piece. But this first part counted 4000+ words and I was like "naaah". So the rest will come as stand-alone too.  
> They can be read as stand-alone, too. (duh)  
> Btw, when Cullen talks of "sister" in here, he means his templar-sister. Just in case it wasn't clear.


End file.
